Steven Wright 16
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.