Funny audio files

Funny Audio Files

Funny audio files, sound files, and answering machine messages.

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Individual joke listings

Answering machine messages

Data source: The Answering Machine

  • Sixth Sense Detectives
    Description: "Greetings. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are ..."
    File name:
    File size: 50.3KB

  • Presidental Chat Line
    Description: Hello. You have reached the Presidential Chat Line, for one on one hot talk with our hamburger ..."
    File name:
    File size: 224KB

  • 911 Emergency
    Description: Thank you for calling 911. Our offices are closed because everyone is at the doughnut shop. We ..."
    File name:
    File size: 262KB

  • Automatic Answering
    Description: You have just reached the amazing Ronfold automatic answering machine. Not only does it record ..."
    File name:
    File size: 90.9KB

  • Afterlife Mail System
    Description: Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail system. If you're trying to reach Heaven, please ..."
    File name:
    File size: 325KB

  • Alien Discovery
    Description: We interrupt this phone call with the following news bulliten. As you may well know ..."
    File name:
    File size: 574KB

  • Altzheimers Research
    Description: Hi. You have reached the Altzheimer's Research ... Umm... Uhh.. Lab... No.. Uh... Anyway ..."
    File name:
    File size: 149KB

  • Filtering Calls
    Description: Hi. We can't come to the phone right now. If you are our children, we are out of money. If you are ..."
    File name:
    File size: 45.0KB

  • Talk to You?
    Description: "Hey. Hey. Where did you get this number? What makes you think I wanna talk to ..."
    File name:
    File size: 140KB

  • Number Options
    Description: "If you would like to press one, press one. If you would like to press two, press two. If you would ..."
    File name:
    File size: 267KB

  • Don't Call Here
    Description: "Hello? I told you never to call me here. Please! What honey? No. It's just a wrong number. No ..."
    File name:
    File size: 316KB

  • Space Shuttle
    Description: "Good day. Thanks for calling the space shuttle. As the special Canadian guest on board ..."
    File name:
    File size: 304KB

  • Pet Turtle Death
    Description: "Oh our poor little Tipper has gone away. We can't come to the phone right now because ..."
    File name:
    File size: 300KB

  • Attention Disorder
    Description: "Hello? I can't take your call right now as I've seemed to have contacted some kind of ..."
    File name:
    File size: 259KB

  • Time Remaining
    Description: "At the tone from the time you called, you will have exactly ten seconds less remaining in your ..."
    File name:
    File size: 141KB

  • McCoy's Baby Care
    Description: "Hi. Thanks for calling McCoy's. Look, we can't come to the phone right now. We kind of have ..."
    File name:
    File size: 435KB

  • Leave your Print
    Description: "*Constant Laughing* Leave... Leave your print, baby."
    File name:
    File size: 89.3KB

  • CPX Blackmail
    Description: "You have reached the CPX 2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being ..."
    File name:
    File size: 83.7KB

  • Casablanca
    Description: "Of all answering machines in all the world, you had to call mine. Maybe the phone messages and two little people ..."
    File name:
    File size: 177KB

  • The Name Bruce
    Description: "Good day. Bruce here. If your name is Bruce, please leave your name Bruce and your Bruce phone number after ..."
    File name:
    File size: 234KB

  • Two Criminals
    Description: "Duh. Hello. There's nobody home right now. In fact, that's what me and Bugsy is doing ..."
    File name:
    File size: 535KB

  • Talk to my Cat
    Description: "Hi. I'm not able to come to the phone right now, so please leave a message for my cat ..."
    File name:
    File size: 213KB

  • Multiple Choices
    Description: "This is a multiple choice answering machine message. No one can take your call at the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 379KB

  • Hicks are Away
    Description: "Howdy. We can't come to the phone at the moment cause we is all tied up. Yup. Cousin Clem ..."
    File name:
    File size: 522KB

  • Cloning Agency
    Description: "Hello. You have reached the offices of the Society for the Protection of Cloning. Hello. I am ..."
    File name:
    File size: 214KB

  • Confusing Request
    Description: "Hi. We're not in right now to take your call. But, if you'd like to leave us a message, please ..."
    File name:
    File size: 216KB

  • Crabby Man
    Description: So, you've decided to give us a call. Well, we're not here. Did you think we'd nothing better ..."
    File name:
    File size: 433KB

  • Very Cultured
    Description: "Shut up! I'm on the phone! I'm sorry. We're unavailable to take your call at this time. Stop ..."
    File name:
    File size: 420KB

  • Digitally Enhanced
    Description: "Greetings. I am a fully integrated, state-of-the-art, digitally-enhanced answering unit. Who ..."
    File name:
    File size: 325KB

  • At the Pub
    Description: "I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. I'm down at the pub, drinking some beers ..."
    File name:
    File size: 207KB

  • Dude!
    Description: "Dude! We're not home. Bogus! I have no time for that sort of nonsense! Buh ..."
    File name:
    File size: 42.6KB

  • Emergency Service
    Description: "We interrupt this phone call to advise you of an important new development. Please ..."
    File name:
    File size: 249KB

  • Far Away
    Description: "*Distant Shouting* *Echoes* Hello! I'm a bit far away! If you could leave a message ..."
    File name:
    File size: 112KB

  • Fat Fingers
    Description: "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 332KB

  • Fligth 416
    Description: "Good afternoon passengers. Welcome to Flight 416, flying nonstop to the beep ..."
    File name:
    File size: 452KB

  • Telephone Tag
    Description: "It's telephone tag time again! You leave a message on this machine. Then, you get ..."
    File name:
    File size: 236KB

  • Nonstop Fox
    Description: "Get ready for all out action as nonstop Fox brings you the world's scariest phone messages ..."
    File name:
    File size: 243KB

  • Happy Halloween
    Description: "I'm frightfully sorry, but the master of the house is all tied up down in the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 316KB

  • Hello? Hello?
    Description: "Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Must be having technical difficulties, so leave ..."
    File name:
    File size: 564KB

  • Funny audio files

  • Hesitant
    Description: "Hello? What am I saying, there's no one there. Well, there is. But, not as I speak so to speak ..."
    File name:
    File size: 421KB

  • The Witch
    Description: "Gobble, double, toil, and bubble. I'm not home, so what's the trouble. Eye of ..."
    File name:
    File size: 413KB

  • Hostile Human
    Description: "Yeah! Go on! It's your dime! Spill your guts! Run off at the mouth! Give us a piece of your ..."
    File name:
    File size: 300KB

  • How dare you!
    Description: "I beg your pardon. Do you dare accost me in this manner? Am I the object of this brazen ..."
    File name:
    File size: 294KB

  • Irishman
    Description: "Hello? Are you callin me? Sir. I'm just after leaving the house or takin another call or I'm ..."
    File name:
    File size: 314KB

  • Japanese Everyday!
    Description: "Thank you for calling Learn Japanese in Twenty Seconds a Day. Are you ready? Let's ..."
    File name:
    File size: 225KB

  • Hello? Hello?
    Description: "Hello? Hello? Oh hi! How are you? Yeah? We'll I'm not home right at the moment ..."
    File name:
    File size: 297KB

  • Kitty Sound
    Description: "What we've got here is failure to communicate. But, if you leave your message at the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 81.1KB

  • Darling
    Description: "Hello Darling. Mambo here. Looking marvelous. Please leave a message at the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 101KB

  • The Maid
    Description: "Hello Love. The Mister and Misses can't come to the phone right now. Oh. They're in the ..."
    File name:
    File size: 520KB

  • Mission Impossible
    Description: "Hello caller. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number ..."
    File name:
    File size: 186KB

  • A Long Message
    Description: "Hello. Don't you just hate it when in the midst of your busy day, you get an answering machine ..."
    File name:
    File size: 531KB

  • Lines are Busy
    Description: "Thank you for calling. All lines are busy right now. Your call will be answered in the order in ..."
    File name:
    File size: 869KB

  • Getting a Pencil
    Description: "Hello. I'm not home right now. But I can take your message. So, just hang on while I get a ..."
    File name:
    File size: 57.5KB

  • Post Office
    Description: "You've reached the post office. At the tone, please write us a letter and allow four to ..."
    File name:
    File size: 344KB

  • Psychic Hotline
    Description: "Greetings! I feel I thank you for calling this psychic hotline. What sign are you? I knew ..."
    File name:
    File size: 491KB

  • The Queen
    Description: "Ladies and gentlemen. Lords and ladies. Dukes and dutchesses. Prince and princesses. Plebs of ..."
    File name:
    File size: 553KB

  • Missing Phone
    Description: "Hello. I'm home right now, but I can't find the phone. Please leave a long, loud message to ..."
    File name:
    File size: 41.4KB

  • Racing Horses
    Description: "And they're off! It's nobody can take your call jumping into an early lead, followed closely by ..."
    File name:
    File size: 689KB

  • Easy Listening
    Description: "Well, hi there. Welcome to the easy listening sounds of this answering machine ..."
    File name:
    File size: 584KB

  • A New Recipe
    Description: "This is the French cook with a delicious answering machine recipe. Take a pinch of ..."
    File name:
    File size: 680KB

  • Call Screening
    Description: "Hello. We're home right now screening our calls. So, please leave your name, number, and a ..."
    File name:
    File size: 316KB

  • Secretary
    Description: "Good morning. No. No. He went out for fifteen minutes half an hour ago, and he won't ..."
    File name:
    File size: 487KB

  • Answering System
    Description: "Hello. This is the answering service's answering service. The answering service that ..."
    File name:
    File size: 228KB

  • The White House
    Description: "Hi. Thanks for calling the White House. Your President is busy right now, but he'll know ..."
    File name:
    File size: 220KB

  • Silly Voices
    Description: "Oh. Hello. You've reached the Monty Python Silly Voices Preservation Society. If ..."
    File name:
    File size: 325KB

  • Space Station Mir
    Description: "*Fighting noises and confusion* Good day, comrades. Thank you for calling Space Station ..."
    File name:
    File size: 387KB

  • Someone Special
    Description: "Hello? May I say who's calling? Oh yes! I've heard a lot about you. You must be someone ..."
    File name:
    File size: 81.9KB

  • Split Personalities
    Description: "Hello. You've reached the Institute for Split Personality Research. We can't get to your ..."
    File name:
    File size: 391KB

  • Spooky Message
    Description: "Good Evening. Thank you for calling. Please. Leave a ... *Wolf howling*"
    File name:
    File size: 106KB

  • Helga's Hair Removal
    Description: "You have reached Helga's House of European Hair Removal. We can't come to the phone ..."
    File name:
    File size: 230KB

  • The TV Show
    Description: "Hello there, and welcome to the show. Today's topic: Answering machine and why we ..."
    File name:
    File size: 601KB

  • Typical Teenager
    Description: "Like hi, okay. Like, my parents say all I do is give them attitude, right. Well, like ..."
    File name:
    File size: 499KB

  • The Texan
    Description: "Well, well, well. You see nobody can take your call right now. If you leave your name ..."
    File name:
    File size: 514KB

  • Untold Message Story
    Description: "And now, from the household you tried to reach, the untold story of how they missed your ..."
    File name:
    File size: 189KB

  • Vampire
    Description: "Good day! I regret nobody is available to come to the phone. Let's just say we are all lying down ..."
    File name:
    File size: 623KB

  • Legal Warning
    Description: "*Sirens* Warning. This call is being monitored by the telephone company and is being ..."
    File name:
    File size: 201KB

  • You've Won a Car!
    Description: "Congratulations! You are the one millionth caaller, and you have just won a brand ..."
    File name:
    File size: 286KB <

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