Steven Wright 17
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.]
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.