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Archived issue of Laughing Gas








* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *







* Welcome to the Laughing Gas Newsletter! *







* A free and clean comedy newsletter sent *







* to e-mail subscribers five times a week *







* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *







*   Vol. 2, Issue 3: Wed, Jul. 26, 2000   *







* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 







* Joke newsletter issued by Aha! Jokes















# I N  T O D A Y ' S  I S S U E















1. Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark







2. Rich Man Getting a New Heart







3. Three guys in prison















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# J O K E S  F O R  T O D A Y















1. Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark















"Looking back over the years that we've







been together, I can't help but wonder:







What was I thinking?"























"Congratulations on your wedding day!







Too bad no one likes your wife."























"How could two people as beautiful you...







have such an ugly baby?"























"I've always wanted to have someone to







hold, someone to love......... After







having met you, I've changed my mind."























"I must admit, you brought Religion in







my life... I never believed in Hell







until I met you."























"As the days go by, I think of how







lucky I am....... that you're not here







to ruin it for me."























"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all







the gifts you've given me. Like the need







for therapy..."























"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!







I never knew what evil was before this!"























"Before you go,.........







I would like you to take this knife out







of my back. You'll probably need it again."























"Someday I hope to get married.......







but not to you."























"You look great for your age.......







Almost Lifelike!"























"When we were together, you always said







you'd die for me......... Now that we've







broken up, I think it's time you kept







your promise."























"I knew the day would come when you would







leave me for my best friend....... So here's







his leash, water bowl and chew toys."























"We have been friends for a very long time.







What do you say we call it quits?"























"I'm so miserable without you.............







It's almost like you're here."























"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!







Did you ever find out who the father was?"























"You are such a good friend that if we were







on a sinking ship and there was only one







life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and







think of you often."















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2. Rich Man Getting a New Heart















A doctor tells a rich old man that he's







going to die if he doesn't get a new heart







soon.















The old man tells the doctor to search







the world for the best heart available,







money is no object. A few days later the







doctor calls the old man and says he has







found three hearts but they are all







expensive.















The old man reminds the doctor that he is







filthy rich and implores him to tell him







about the donors they came from.















'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year







old marathon runner, never smoked, ate







only the most healthy foods, was in peak







condition when he was hit by a bus. No







damage to the heart, of course. But it







costs $100,000!'















The old man, waving off the last part







about the cost, asks the doctor to tell







him about the second donor.















'This one belonged to a 16 year old







long-distance swimmer, high school kid.







Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his







head on the side of the pool. That







heart'll set you back $150,000!'















'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about







the third heart?'















'Well this one belonged to a







58 year-old man, smoked three packs of







cigarettes a day, weighed over 300







pounds, never exercised, drank like a







fish... this heart is going for







$500,000!!!'















'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man







exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'















'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart







belonged to a lawyer, so it was







never used!'















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3. Three guys in prison















Three guys are convicted of a very







serious crime,and they're all sentenced







to twenty years in solitary confinement.







They're each allowed one thing to bring







into the cell with them.















The first guy asks for a big stack of







books.















The second guy asks for his wife.















And the third guy asks for two hundred







cartons of cigarettes.















At the end of the twenty years, they







open up the first guy's cell. He comes







out and says, "I studied so hard.







I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer.







It was terrific."















They open up the second guy's door.







He comes out with his wife, and they've







got five new kids. He says. "It was the







greatest thing of my life. My wife and







I have never been so close. I have a







beautiful new family. I love it."















They open up the third guy's door, and







he's slapping at his pockets, going







"Anybody got a match?"















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# S I T E  L I N K S















Web site: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/







Terms: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/terms.html







Contact: Webmaster@AhaJokes.com







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