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* Welcome to the Laughing Gas Newsletter! *
* A free and clean comedy newsletter sent *
* to e-mail subscribers five times a week *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Vol. 2, Issue 2: Tue, Jul. 25, 2000 *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Joke newsletter issued by Aha! Jokes
# I N T O D A Y ' S I S S U E
1. Hillary's Fortune Teller
2. See a Psychoanalyst
3. A man and the Ostrich
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# J O K E S F O R T O D A Y
1. Hillary's Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary
sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of
some local reputation: In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news. As the mystic took
her reading, she had a struck look on her
face, looked up and said, "There's no easy
way to say this, so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the
woman's wrinkled face, then at the single
flickering candle on the table. Looking
aside for a moment, Hillary then looked
back down to her wringing hands in her lap.
She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself and consider her question; she
just had to know.
Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her
question: "Will I be acquitted?"
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2. See a Psychoanalyst
A man walked into a bar and ordered a
glass of white wine. He took a sip of
the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender
could recover from the surprise, the man
began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry.
I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't
tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was
sympathetic. Before long, he was
suggesting that the man see an analyst
about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a
psychoanalyst," the bartender said.
"My brother and my wife have both been
treated by him, and they say he's as
good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the
bartender asked, serving a glass of white
wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been
seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He
took a sip of the wine, then he threw the
remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with
a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be
doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's
done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!"
the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't
embarrass me anymore."
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3. A man and the Ostrich
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich
behind him. As he sits down, the bartender
comes over and asks for their order. The man
says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the
ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have
a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That
will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
in again, and the man says, "I'll have a
beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one
evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have
a large scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity
any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage
to always come up with the exact change out
of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket, and the right amount of money will always
be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most
people would wish for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk
or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir,
what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick
with long legs."
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# S I T E L I N K S
Web site: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/
Terms: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/terms.html
Contact: Webmaster@AhaJokes.com
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