Steven Wright 12
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"