Steven Wright 11
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.