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Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Utah Woman Deletes the Internet!
By Tom 7 (Dissociated Press)
REDMOND: Millions of frustrated calls rushed into internet service providers this past thursday as "The Information Superhighway" was reported Missing In Action for several days.
The Internet Engineering Task Force (IETF) traced the problem to a home in Utah where Doris Packuko resides. She was allegedly found "hysterical and crying", police say.
"That much information flowing through the phone lines all at once generates a lot of heat," Doug Wernicke of the IETF told us, "We just followed the smell of burning fiber optics."
"Apparently, she just deleted The Internet right off her desktop. Even after being warned, 'are you sure you want to delete The Internet?', she persisted."
Experts claim that this is a major problem with The Information Superhighway, perhaps even worse than animal pornography. "The Internet is a great cooperative work, built by millions of people. It is so unfortunate that it can be ruined by just one person. Thank God we were able to save it," commented Packuko's neighbor.
The IETF was able to recover most of The Internet by opening up Packuko's Recycle Bin and dragging The Internet back onto the desktop. The rest was restored from the master backup copy kept on Zip Disk in the pentagon. Puckuko claims ignorance was the cause of her act. "I just didn't know. I was trying to clean up my desktop and I deleted it. I ... I just didn't realize."
Microsoft Corporation reports that they are currently working on a bug fix.
Q: What do you get when you crossbreed U. football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
UTAH BY 5 . . . TIMES - A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good BYU joke. "Listen, buddy," the waiter growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the BYU football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at the Y. That guy in the corner was the Y.'s all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at the Y. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.'
DON'T FORGET THE TIP - Q: How do you get a U. of U. grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
HALF-WIT - Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
THAT SMARTS - Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.
DEGREE TO GO - The engineer who graduated from Utah State asks, "How does that work?''
The engineer who graduated from BYU asks, "How can I make that work better?''
The engineer who graduated from the U. of U. asks, "Would you like fries with that?''
TEST CASE - Q: What does the Ute student get on his SAT?
OH-OH ORSON - It's a good thing that Orson Pratt was not made president of the LDS Church. Otherwise BYU would have been named OPU.
LIGHT U. UP - Q. How many U. of U. graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Answer unknown. Still searching for a U. of U. graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
LIGHTEN UP II - Q: How many Utes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. . ..but he gets three credit hours for it.
LEARNING CURVE - Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
SWIMMING WITH COEDS - Q: How did the first BYU coed get to America from Europe?
A: She swam.
Q: How did the second BYU coed get to America?
A: She walked across on all the dead fish.
TUSK, TUSK, TUSK - Q: What's the difference between a BYU coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q2: How do you make it even?
A2: Force-feed the elephant.
ON THE LOOKOUT - Q. How do you tell the difference between a BYU coed and a U. of U. coed?
A. The BYU coed is looking for a husband. The U. coed is looking for the father.
M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-``U''-S-E - The son of a very rich Arab sheik was graduating from college. The sheik went to his son's roommate and told him, ``I really appreciate all the help you have given my son while you two were in school. Just name a gift, and I will buy it for you.''
The roommate thinks about it and tells the sheik, ``Ever since I was a little kid, I've always wanted a real Mickey Mouse outfit.''
So the sheik bought him the University of Utah.
NO ONE IN HIS RIGHT MIND - Q: How do Cougar brain cells die?
RINKY-DINK AFFAIR - Two BYU students decide they want to try ice fishing.
They go and buy all the necessary equipment and load up their pickup.
In the process, the students realize they don't know where to go to try out this new sport.
Finally, after about three hours of intense brainstorming, one student thinks of the perfect spot.
They drive to the spot, unload their equipment and make their way onto the ice in search for the perfect location. They cut a hole in the ice and begin to fish.
About three minutes pass when out of nowhere a booming voice is heard: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Completely confused and scared, the two students stop and look around but see no one.
"Did you hear that?'' ask one student. "Yea. Who was it?'' responded the second student.
Confused but determined, both students continue to fish.
A minute passes, and they hear again: ``THERE ARE NO FISH BENEATH THE ICE!''
Dazed and frightened, one BYU student stands up, looks to the heavens and asks ``Is that you, God? Are you trying to help us?''
The voice responds ``No, you idiot, it's the ice rink manager. Now get off our ice!''
CURSES! SOILED AGAIN - Q: Why did the BYU grad only change her baby's diaper once a week?
A: The box said 9 to 11 lbs.
FORE U. - Q: What do you call someone from BYU golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!
DOUBLE-WIDE LOSS - Q: Why are a tornado and a Ute divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
BOOK 'EM - A fire gutted the U. library the other day causing $6.95 worth of damage . . . It could have been worse but someone had the coloring book checked out.
GOING DOWN WITH THE PICKUP - Three BYU graduates were riding in the cab of a pickup across a bridge. Three U. grads were riding in the back of the pickup. The pickup went off the road into the water and sank. The BYU grads rolled down the windows, got out, and were able to swim safely to shore. The U. grads drowned because they could not get the tailgate down.
ON TRACK - As two BYU grads walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. The first asked, ``Deer tracks?'' The second replied, ``No, bear tracks.'' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
SECOND-GUESSING - LaHurl had been attending BYU for 6 years without going on a mission and still did not have enough credits to graduate.
At the commencement ceremony with almost the entire student body assembled a chant broke out: ``Let LaHurl graduate, Let LaHurl graduate!''
The university president, realizing he had a potential riot on his hands and being depressed at the thought of having LaHurl return for another year, calmed the crowd by announcing that if LaHurl would come up and answer a one-question exam, he would give LaHurl a diploma.
LaHurl jumped up on the stage and the president said, ``You have one chance, LaHurl, What is 9 times 9''? LaHurl beamed and blurted out 81.
A stunned silence followed. Then a murmur. Then one cry, then another, soon the whole throng was chanting, ``Give him another chance! Give him another chance!''
CHICKEN FEED - A U. of U. grad decides he wants to raise chickens. So he goes to the feed store, buys a bunch of baby chicks, plants 'em feet-first in the ground, and sadly after a couple days they die.
He figures he's doing something wrong, so he goes back to the feed store and buys more chicks. This time he plants 'em headfirst, and they die even faster.
Now this U. of U. grad is at his wit's end, so he decides to write to his alma mater, tell them what he's doing, and see if maybe they have any suggestions.
Two weeks later he gets a note back from the university asking for a soil sample.
SHOUT IT OUT! - Two BYU Cougars and one Utah Ute were all in prison awaiting execution by firing squad.
One Cougar said, ``When we each go to be executed, just shout a warning like a disaster is about to happen. When it catches them off guard, we can escape.''
The first Cougar went to be executed. The guard said, ``Ready. Aim..'' The Cougar yelled out ``Hurricane!!'' When the firing squad hid, he climbed the wall and escaped.
The second Cougar stood before the squad and when the time came, he yelled ``Earthquake!!'' He likewise escaped.
The Ute stood before the firing squad. The guard said, ``Ready, Aim..'' Just then the Ute yelled, ``FIRE!!''
PUPPY LOVE - Q: What's the difference between BYU fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
DEM BONES - Q: Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at BYU?
A: It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!
ON MY HONOR - Q: Did you hear about the BYU Honor System?
A: Yes, Your Honor; No, Your Honor.
NO WHINE BEFORE IT'S TIME - Q: What is a BYU coed's favorite after-game wine?
A: ``When we gonna get married?''
DRESS FOR SUCCESS - Q: What do you call a Ute in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.
BIG G, LITTLE O - Q: What is the difference between the U. of U. football team and a bowl of Cheerios?
A: The Cheerios belong in a bowl!
9-1-1 OF A KIND - A Cougar football player smelled smoke in the gym and rushed to the phone to report a fire. "How do we get there?'' the dispatcher asked. The Cougar hesitated a moment. ``Don't you have red fire trucks anymore?''
LOOSE CHANGE - Q: What's the difference between the Utes and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
GROUNDHOG DAY - Q: What do you get when you cross-breed U. of U. football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!
U. OF MOO - Q: Why did the U. decide to put artificial turf in the stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing
AN UPRIGHT NEIGHBORHOOD - Q: How do you keep a Ute out of your front yard?
A: Put up some goalposts.
PLAYIN' POSSUM - Q: How is a Ute like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and usually die on the road.
I'LL TRANSFER U. - Q; Did you hear about the football player who transferred from the U. to BYU?
A: It greatly raised the academic standing of both institutions.
FAMILY TIES - Ron McBride, clearly upset about the blue dynasty to the south getting all the national acclaim, goes to a BYU practice and asks LaVell Edwards, ``Coach, how is it that year after year after year you manage to have such great football teams? What's your secret?''
LaVell responds by calling Kevin Feterik over. ``Kevin,'' LaVell asks, ``who's your father's brother's nephew?'' Feterik answers, ``Why, coach, that's easy. It's me.''
LaVell turns to McBride and says, ``That's the secret, Ron. A smart quarterback. You've got to have a smart quarterback.'' Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, McBride returns to the Ute work-out. He promptly calls over Jonathan Crosswhite.
"Crosswhite! Who's your father's brother's nephew?''
Crosswhite looks perplexed, thinks a minute and says, ``Coach, can I get back to you after practice on that one?'' McBride (disgusted) says, ``OK.''
During practice, Crosswhite calls over Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala.
"Chris, coach just asked me the weirdest question. Who's your father's brother's nephew?'' Says Fuamatu-Ma'afala: ``Duh! That's easy. It's me!''
After practice, Crosswhite catches up with McBride: ``Coach, I think I've got it. My father's brother's nephew is Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala.''
McBride (angry): ``No, No, NO! You idiot!! It's Kevin Feterik!!!''
TRUE-BLUE COLORS - Entering a store, a man said, ``I would like a white hat, blue pants, a white shirt and blue shoes.''
The clerk asked ``Are you a BYU fan?''
``I sure am,'' the man said, sticking his chest out. ``How did you know? The color combination?''
"No,'' replied the employee. ``This is a hardware store.''
NOSE JOB - Q: What do you have to do to break a BYU football player's nose during the BYU-U. of U. game?
A: Simple, just hit his elbow.
Dumb Utah Laws
It is against the law to fish from horseback.
When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
It is illegal not to drink milk.
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
Birds have the right of way on all highways.
A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
You must have identification to enter a convienence store after dark.
Women may not swear.
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.
Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.
Salt Lake City
No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
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