Massachusetts Jokes

Massachusetts Jokes

Massachusetts jokes and humor, relating to many aspects of the state, its weather, and its people.

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Massachusetts Jokes

Massachusetts Jokes

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

If you're from Boston:

You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).

If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).

You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.

You might be from Boston if...

You think of Philadelphia as the midwest.

You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.

You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).

You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.

All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.

You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."

Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.

You don't think you have an attitude.

You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.

Everything in town is "a five minute walk."

When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.

You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.

You have no idea what the word compromise means.

You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.

You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.

You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.

You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.

Your favorite adjective is "wicked."

You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.

You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

Dumb Massachusetts Laws

  • At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
  • Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
  • An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
  • Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
  • All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)
  • Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
  • It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
  • It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)
  • It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)
  • It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)
  • It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)
  • It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)
  • No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
  • Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)
  • Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
  • Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.
  • Quakers and witches are banned.
  • Bullets may not be used as currency.
  • Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.
  • Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.
  • Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
  • Public boxing matches are outlawed.
  • It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine
  • Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.
  • It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.


  • It is illegal to play the fiddle.
  • Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
  • No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
  • No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.
  • Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.
  • It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
  • An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
  • Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.
  • Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.
  • No one may take a bath without a prescription.
  • It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.


  • You may not walk around with a "drink".


  • It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).
  • It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)


  • You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.
  • If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.


  • Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.


  • It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.


  • It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.
  • Silly string is illegal in the city limits.
  • One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.
  • It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.


  • Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.


  • All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor.

    North Andover

  • An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.


  • In bars, it is actually illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)


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