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West Virginia Jokes

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!




Q. What do West Virginians do on Halloween?


A. Pumpkin!




Q. Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down?


A. There's nothing worth craping on!




Q. What do a tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?


A. Someone always loses a trailer.




Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?


A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.




West Virginia's Statehood

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license.


She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.




Exerpts from the West Virginia Vocabulary Book


Foreclose


If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.


Rectum


I had two Lexus coups, but my old lady rectum.


Hotel


I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.


Disappointment


My parole officer told me that if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.


Israel


Alozono tried to sell me a rolex watch. I said man this looks fake. He said what a joke that watch israel.


Catacomb


Don King was at the fight the other night, somebody should get that catacomb.


Undermine


There is a fine looking chick living in the apartment undermine.


Acoustic


When I was 11 my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.


Iraq


When we got to the pool hall I told my uncle you break Iraq.


Stain


My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner?


Seldom


Darnell gave me two tickets to the game, and I want to seldom.


Odyssey


I told my brother you odyssey the tits on that hoe.


Horde


My sister got in trouble because she horde around.


Tripoli


My ol lady wanted a bra for her birthday but I couldn't find a tripoli.


Fortify


I axed the ho how much and she said fortify. is the price honey


Income


I just got in bed with lois and income my wife.




A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"




West Virginia State Residency Application



Name: ________________

(last)

(first) (_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right



CB Handle: _____________________



Occupation:

(_)Farmer

(_)Mechanic

(_)Hair Dresser

(_)Un-employed

(_)Coal Miner



Spouse's Name: __________________________



Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet



Number of children living in household: ___



Number that are yours: ___



Mother's Name: _______________________



Father's Name: _______________________

(If not sure, leave blank)



Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

(Check appropriate box)



___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



___ Number of refrigerators on front porch



Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed



Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of

pickup: _________



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_)The National Enquirer

(_)The Globe

(_)TV Guide

(_)Soap Opera Digest

(_)Gun World



___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO



How often do you bathe:

(_)Weekly

(_)Monthly

(_)Holidays

(_)Not Applicable



Color of teeth:

(_)Yellow

(_)Brownish-Yellow

(_)Brown

(_)Black

(_)No teeth

(_)N/A



Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man



How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile

(_)2 miles

(_)don't know

(_)can't get there from here



BUMPER STICKERS:

___ Eat more Possum

___ My other car is a piece of junk too

___ Honk if you love Jesus

___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'

___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco



Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:

___ Square Dancin'

___ Possum Huntin'

___ Skinny Dippin'

___ Craw Daddin'

___ Gospel Singin'

___ 4-Wheelin'

___ Drankin'

___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'

___ Honky Tonkin'

___ Noodlin'



# of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle

___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg



Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws

___ Budweiser ___ Vo-Tech

___ Skoal ___ Coors

___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear





One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."




Q. What is the West Virginia state flower?


A. The satallite dish!




Q. Why do birds fly upside down through West Virginia?


A. There's nothing worth pooping on!




You know a computer is owned by a West Virginian if...


The mouse is referred to as a "critter."


The keyboard is camouflaged.


There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.


There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.


The password is, "bubba."


The numeric keypad only goes up to six.


Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.


The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.


The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.


The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.


Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.


The monitor is up on blocks.


Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.


Deer jerky is in the desk drawer.


The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos playing in the background.


The six front keys have rotted out.


John Deer Pocket Protectors.




Dumb West Virginia Laws

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Alderson

One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

Nicholas County

No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

Huntington

Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.




West Virginia Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods


BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern


BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick


BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro


CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps


CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in


TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker


CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited


DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers


DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer


FAX - What you lie about to the IRS


HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking


HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos


INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair


KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere


MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food


MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers


MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall


MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live


NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line


ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test


ROM - Where the pope lives


SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch


SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast


SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year


SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear




West Virginia Jokes

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar West Virginia State Lottery?


You gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.




Why do folks from West Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?


17 and under not admitted.




Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the


Same DNA.




Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down?


Almost took out the whole trailer park.




Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"


"Jus' some chickens."


"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"


"I'll give you both of them."


"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"




A West Virginian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here.


My house is on fire!"


"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"


"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"




The West Virginian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.


"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.


"No," he replied.


A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"


"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."




A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the West Virginian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"






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