Steven Wright 24
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.