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I Don't Want Any MSG in That Food!
Adventures at the Chinese Restaurant...
SCENE: A table at a chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy oriental accent.
Man: Hi! You must be the waiter.
Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you?
Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special?
Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind.
Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day?
Man: What's the soup of the day?
Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you.
The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.
Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day!
Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you?
Man: May I see a menu, please?
Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register.
Man: Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't!
Man: But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me the menu!
Waiter: Okay, okay ...
The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.
Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order?
Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get it? Have some *fun*?
Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business.
Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You americans are *very* strange!
Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man: That's what I said!
Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer.
Man: You are the waiter.
Waiter: How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me my order.
Waiter: No problem.
The waiter walks toward the order window.
Waiter: One order beef chow fun!
Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG!
Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG!
Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG!
Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no MSG! That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook: Any MSG?
Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe make you a little nervous, but so does coffee ...
The waiter returns to the table.
Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else?
Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter! What's this on the menu?
Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food.
Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus?
Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it?
Waiter: Look like chow fun.
Man: Really? Hmmm.
The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.
Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like?
Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter: How you know of chow fun?
Man: What do you mean?
Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order chow fun! You chinese?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from?
Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China!
Man: Try telling that to my parents.
Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun!
Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon.
Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out here!
The cook returns to the table.
Man: What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook: Oh! That MSG.
Man: I said NO MSG.
Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind.
Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG!
Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt.
Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay!
The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.
Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay.
The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes uncontrollably.
Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour.
Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone.
Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water!
Waiter: You customer?
Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you.
Man: May *I* have some water?
Waiter: You customer?
Man: Yes. Are you a waiter?
Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you?
Man: I want some water.
Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break.
Man: All right. Who will be serving me?
Waiter: My daughter. The waitress.
The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is GORGEOUS ...
Man: YOU'RE the waitress?
Waitress: Yes, you are customer?
Waitress: How may I serve you?
Man: I want some more fun.
Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl!
Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!
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